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Archive for the Family Relationships Category

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Same Fight after Married 27 Years?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Same Fight after Married 27 Years?

The biggest arguments my husband and I have are over spending.  I like to spend and he likes to save.  I grew up in a family where my Dad spoiled me and I got everything I ever wanted.  Sometimes I wish this were not the case because I know this has set me up for the number one stress my marriage of 27 years has had.  Will this bickering over spending ever get resolved?  Maybe before we hit our 50th anniversary? You may think you’re asking a question, but I think you’re telling all of us a beautiful love story!  I’m sure you know the answer to your own question, which is to say that “no” you will never stop bickering with your husband over money.  After 27 years of relating to each other in this way, neither of you are going to change.  One marriage research project I read found that every long-term marriage has that thing (or those things) that they bicker about until “death do us part”.  The issue never gets resolved (a key point to take note of…) and couples are good to not expect it to.  Yet, over time, they find their own way of staying connected in spite of their differences.  Ahhh…feel the love?  I do! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ Has the way that the two of you bicker about money changed much in the past 20 years? If not, why would you want to change things now? If the bickering has escalated, are there other stresses in your marriage besides money? What is your pattern for coming back together after disagreements? How can you shorten the time you spend cussing and discussing, and get down to the business of reconnecting? Please SHARE this on Facebook and lend your COMMENTS ~

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Family Vacation Tensions?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Family Vacation Tensions?

How do you deal with a family vacation where part of the family want to lie on the beach all day and the other part want to see the sights? …and your problem is??  Yes, this is a family vacation where your expectation may be that you spend time together, but do you feel that you have to spend every second of every day together?  I’m sure that this rarely happens in your daily lives back home!  You’re on Vaca so try to be flexible, chill, relax, let go, and leave your inner bossy boss at home.  Isn’t this why you planned this getaway?  Let each individual enjoy their vacation in their own way.  We are not cookie cutter people who all want the same thing even when we are genetically related.  The adults can split up for part of the day and let the kids choose whom they’d like to do things with.  Older kids will be happy to have some of the same freedom away from you that they enjoy at home.  Don’t sweat it!  You will still be spending most of your time together as a family, and people will be happier when they’re not being pushed to do things they don’t want.  Personally, I don’t understand why a college kid would want to sit inside watching sports on TV while in Hawaii…but, we left him behind and had a superb day at the beach boogie boarding, snorkeling and swimming with the endangered sea turtles!  He enjoyed his day…and so did we! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ If you don’t want to split up your family activities for the day, what other options for compromise (such as taking turns deciding what activity you get to do) can you employ to keep the peace on vacation?

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Spouse Disagrees with Donation for Tornado?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Spouse Disagrees with Donation for Tornado?

The tornado in Oklahoma has really affected me, especially the loss of children, and I’d like to donate to the cause but my husband doesn’t think this is necessary.  He got so angry just talking about this that I’m not sure if I should just forget donating.  I’ve always been the one who wants to help others, but he’s just not that way.  What should I do? I say screw him and shame on his selfish, self-centered attitude!  While that is my gut response to your question (I know it sounds harsh), I understand that you may not be able to take this stance and keep the peace in your marriage.  Marriage is a partnership, and both you and your husband deserve the right to spend a portion of the family money on the things and causes that are important to each of you.  Does your husband spend money on things just for himself?  Does he spend money on things you don’t agree with?  What I hear from couples works best is if each person has a set amount of money out of the monthly budget; that they can spend without their spouses approval.  If you could negotiate this strategy for spending, then you could donate from your monthly discretionary income.  I hope that you can successfully negotiate having some of your own spending money otherwise, to be honest, I have concerns about the health and mutuality of your relationship.  Thank you for your generous spirit.  The world needs more people like you! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ In what way might your husband be open to negotiating you having your own money to spend in any way that you like? Where do you and your husband agree with how the family money is to be spent? Where

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Negative Family?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Negative Family?

I’ve tried to raise my own family in a positive environment but whenever I’m with my parents and extended family all they do is sit and talk poorly about the family members who aren’t present.  They’re so critical I don’t like to have my kids around them.  How do I protect my kids from their negativity? First of all, I’m sure you realize that you’re not going to change your family of origin.  You’ve been witnessing and living this negativity your whole life and that may be the reason you’re focused on keeping things positive with your own children.  Kudos to you!  It’s never too late to change negative patterns! Depending on the ages of your children, you have a few options here.  When they’re small you can probably distract them away from the grown-up conversations.  As they get older, they may choose to join in on the adult conversation, which means they will get an earful of negativity.  The good thing about older kids is that they are aware enough, and mature enough, to understand the differences in the way people act, and re-act, around others.  This can be a good opportunity to teach your older children that, in life, we all have to learn how to deal with negative people.  We have to develop strategies for either minimizing our time with them or minimizing the impact they have on our lives.  Others may choose to be negative, but we always have the choice of how to act, and how to re-act.  The choice is ours and within our control.  To quote from the film, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade…”Choose Wisely!”. Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ What life lessons can you teach your children as they witness the exchange of negativity in your family? Is there

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Husband Neglecting Family for Golf?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Husband Neglecting Family for Golf?

My husband spends so much time on the Golf course I feel like he’s neglecting his duties as a father and husband.  How can I get him to spend more time with us and less on golf? Balance.  That’s the first word that came to mind when I read your question.  I’m a big believer in that we all need our leisure activities, our friends and hobbies, but if the balance of time we spend with others really does neglect our family…or is perceived to be neglecting our family…then we have a problem.  Maintaining a good relationship requires good negotiation skills.  Both parties need to get their needs met, but they should not look solely to their partner to meet those needs.  This is where negotiating with your husband for what you want and need comes in to play. First, I suggest that you honor him by accepting his passion for golf.  Let him know that you support him in spending time with activities that make him happy.  If that sounds like a hard thing for you to do, start by looking at the things you do that he’s not crazy about but has to accept in relationship with you.  You know, girlfriend, that he’s got his list too!!  Also, make sure that you are living your best life and not depending on him to satisfy something that you feel is missing inside you or in your life.  That said, if he is not being a true partner to you, bring on your Power Woman and go after what you need.  Get it?  Got it!  Good!! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ How do you show your husband that you honor his independence and leisure time away from you and the kids? Only you know what works with your

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Empty Nest?

Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach~Empty Nest?

My son graduates this year and I’m already a mess just thinking of him leaving for college.  I’ve been one of those moms who helped with all the school events and was really involved.  I’m not dealing with this very well.  It hasn’t even happened yet but this empty nest thing is already worse than I thought.  How am I going to get through this? This can be really tough on moms, and some dads have a real tough time with this as well.  You will get through this, even if it means having a good cry each day for a while!  Give yourself the space and time to process this change.  As you let go be mindful that your college student will let you know how much support they need from you their first year away from home.  Listen for their cues; some want to hear from you every day and others will tell you to quit calling so often.  Continue to support them as you always have, but give them their independence if they’re ready. Approach this change with a positive outlook! Look at this transition as a time to re-create yourself and your life.  Use this opportunity to focus on that hobby you set aside, or take that class you always wanted to take.  Marriages are often revitalized once the last child leaves home.  I know of many couples that see this as their opportunity to travel.  I had a friend send me flowers with the simple note “Enjoy” when our youngest left home.  After the initial unrest subsides, I expect that you will come to enjoy your newfound freedom!  Enjoy!   Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ What can you do to show kindness and empathy toward yourself (yes!~yourself!) as you go through this difficult

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach: Can’t trust after Foster Care?

Joan Jerkovich "Your" Life Coach: Can't trust after Foster Care?

I grew up in foster care. I never had a permanent family for more than two years. People were always in and out of my life.  I almost gave up on getting too emotionally involved with anyone.  How do I learn to trust that people will be there for me when no one ever stuck around? When your trust in others has been as stripped down as you share in your story, you have to take yourself to the root of all trust, which is trust in yourself.  Trust that you can emotionally handle this ebb and flow of people in your life.  Trust that there will be times of stable relationships and times of turmoil, these too you can emotionally deal with.  When you trust yourself to make the best decisions you can and trust that you can effectively deal with the rewards or consequences that come with those decisions, you are on your path to building and growing as a person.  You will make a better life for yourself.  Believe that and you have already succeeded! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ Recall a time when you made a decision you were proud of. Review in your mind the steps you took toward making that decision. What comes to mind when you look within yourself regarding trust? If there are negatives (and there will be) can you set those aside? Focusing only on the positive attitudes you have regarding trust, can you make a list of ways you can keep your “eye on the prize”, keep the positives your primary goal? Have you done research on how you can build trust (books, internet)? Will you schedule time each day to work on building you inner trust? Joan Jerkovich is a Board Certified Life Coach who takes your

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach: Parents to Assisted Living?

Joan Jerkovich "Your" Life Coach: Parents to Assisted Living?

My parents are getting older, and I’m expected to take care of them. My friends say I’m heartless if I put them in a nursing home. I feel obligated to care for them in my own home, but I know both of us would be miserable (work, personalities, etc.). Is it acceptable to let them live in an assisted living facility? You’ve answered your own question by saying you would both be miserable.  Plus, who needs enemies when you have friends that lay a guilt trip on you like this one?  To care for an elderly parent in your home is a 24-hour daily commitment.  Few people are up to the task.  I speak with a degree of authority on this, as in my former life before my talk radio show and Life Coaching; my work was in Assisted Living. As an alternative to having them live in your home, consider carving out extra time to visit them at the Assisted Living facility.  Incorporate activities in to your visits that you both enjoy.  When you don’t have the demands of being the person who tends to their daily care needs, you can focus on making your time together enriching to your relationship and extended family.  Have fun together! Unleash your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ Do you have within you the personal power to tell your “friends” to keep their opinions to themselves (or to F-off, the choice is yours)? How can you address your own feelings of guilt? What do you need to do to tamp them down? Have you had problems dealing with guilt over other issues in life? How have you dealt with guilt from past issues? If you’ve had success in resolving issues of guilt from your past, how can you apply those principles to this

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach: 80-yr-old wants Daughter’s Respect?

Joan Jerkovich "Your" Life Coach: 80-yr-old wants Daughter's Respect?

At 80 years old, I thought I would get more respect from my daughter, but we always find reason to bicker.  Sometimes it gets pretty heated and those times when it does I always leave feeling bad.  We do come back around in time but how do I quit this bickering back and forth with her? How do you change long-standing relationship patterns?  Sorry to be the bearer of the answer you may not want to hear but you probably won’t be able to stop the way the two of you relate.  Not completely any way.  The hopeful element, though, is that you alone can do your part to make this better.  Your daughter doesn’t need to know about your plan to change, but she will notice the change in you. The key is to recognize what your triggers are with her.  First, you need to recognize a trigger coming on, a blow-up waiting to explode.  Feel it in your body, “hear” it in your thoughts or “self talk”.  That’s easier said than done, and it’s not automatic for you, so when you’re around her you’re going to need to pay close attention.  When you feel your breathing changing and your thoughts turning toward wanting to scream at her, it’s time to implement your strategies for calming yourself down and removing yourself from this tango for two. Don’t despair, I have always thought that saying, “You can’t teach an old dog a new trick” was bullshit!  Good luck.  I know that you, being eternally young at heart will learn several new tricks to improve your relationship! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ Looking over the past three blowups you had with your daughter, what were the triggers? What were you thinking and feeling in your body just before the

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Joan Jerkovich “Your” Life Coach: No interest in sex?

Joan Jerkovich "Your" Life Coach: No interest in sex?

I have no interest in sex because my husband and I don’t connect emotionally.  What do I do? Joan Jerkovich is a Board Certified Life Coach who takes your questions on Relationships, Health, Careers, Sexuality and Self Care.  No question is off limits!  She gives her opinion, then partners with you by submitting Life Coaching questions that will help you move toward health and happiness in your life.  Email your questions to tjjs.radio@gmail.com or arrange a time to talk with Joan in person on her radio talk show at www.joanjerkovich.com Follow Joan’s Life Coaching questions Daily at www.joanjerkovich.com

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