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Archive for the Life Coaching Category

Mom Helping Brother But Not You?

Mom Helping Brother But Not You?

My brother has lived with my Mom since college and he is now 45 years old. She does almost everything for him as he can barely hold down a job. I am recently divorced and am now a single father who’s living paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I could really use my Mom’s help but I feel like she always puts my older brother’s needs ahead of mine or my kid. Anytime I bring up my loser brother and how I wish she could help my son and I more, she cries and the conversation goes nowhere. How can I approach her without it becoming an emotional landmine? There seems to be more going on here than meets the eye. Does your brother have mental health issues? Why can’t he hold down a job? Why has he failed to let loose from his dependence on his mother? What draws your mother to doing so much for her adult child? Are there issues with her mental health that she is so fragile that just talking to her about this drives her to tears? Does she get teary when your “loser” brother asks her for help, or just you? Those are a lot of questions that, frankly, don’t need to be answered for you to find a way to convince your mother to lend you a helping hand. The reason I say they don’t need to be answered is because I believe this arrangement your brother and mother have is not ever going to change. Let’s talk about how you might work around it. If your mother starts to cry when you bring up your loser brother and how you wish she would help you more, her tears may be tears of guilt or shame or sadness or embarrassment. She has to know […]

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Marriage of 30 Years and No Sex?

Marriage of 30 Years and No Sex?

29 yrs. ago after our 1st child my husband did not have sex with me until 5 months after her birth. Since then only on vacations 3 to 4 times a year. This drove me to a very deep depression & I gained 80 pounds. Now, I have learned to turn off my sex drive and I no longer find him attractive, which is something new. But, it helps me take control of my feelings. No more crying. Now, everyone is telling him he had better fix his marriage, and all of a sudden after 30 yrs. he wants to sit down and talk about things. Can I put a hidden microphone on you and listen in? I’d love to hear what your husband has to say! It would be interesting to hear the tale of 30 years of no sex! What are his reasons? Excuses? How does that happen? Is he depressed, asexual or gay? Is this a result of prescription drug use, or illicit drug abuse? Where’s Sherlock Holmes when we need him? All silliness aside, this is a very distressing thing for you to have lived with (or should I say, lived without) for all these years. Women I’ve talked to whose husbands don’t want to have sex with them talk about how this makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them. It makes them question their femininity and attractiveness. It’s a real head-trip and I’m not surprised at all to hear this drove you to a depression. After all, I’m guessing that you didn’t sign on for this when you signed your marriage certificate. You were expecting, as were the men who have wives who won’t have sex with them, carnal delights more than 3-4 times per year. For your information, a marriage with sex […]

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Annoyed By Yippy Dog?

Annoyed By Yippy Dog?

My husband and I recently moved from out of state and into a house next to neighbors with 2 little “yippy” dogs. Our neighbors are very friendly and we are eager to make new friends in the community, but the dogs are so annoying. They get let out at 5:30 am and then we hear them again at 11:00 pm when we are getting to bed. We’ve used earplugs and such but it get’s incredibly annoying. Last night when our neighbors were gone my husband got so mad he threw a shoe at one of the dogs. How should we approach our new neighbor friends without upsetting them? Walk over to their house, ring the door bell, put a big smile on your face, and when your new neighbors answer, tell them, using your most pleasant words and tone of voice, about the “yippy-yip”. Make sure they understand that this is most annoying when you hear it at 5:30am and again late at night. Keep the conversation friendly and the smile on your face. Invite them over for coffee and cookies. A responsible dog owner can and will find a way to quiet the barking. They understand that there are city ordinances protecting your rights to quiet, especially during the hours you mention. If the noise continues, take another walk over to the neighbor’s house. Once again, paste that big smile on your face, even though you may not feel quite so generous this second time around, and state your case. If this second go-around doesn’t get the “yippy-yip” to quiet down, you can either just learn to live with the annoying noise, or call the authorities. At this point in time, you’ll have to decide what their friendship means to you as calling the authorities will probably kill the […]

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Divorced Dad Sugar Daddy to Woman Barely Old Enough?

Divorced Dad Sugar Daddy to Woman Barely Old Enough?

My recently divorced Dad has decided to become a sugar daddy to a young woman who’s not much older than me. I know he buys her all sorts of expensive jewelry and clothes. They even went on a trip to Mexico together. I’m afraid my Dad is getting feelings for her. I’m also afraid that the woman is just using my Dad for his money. Last week she came to my high school music concert and it was so awkward! She’s so trashy and rude. She’s been trying to be my buddy through Facebook but I have just ignored her. My Dad doesn’t seem to care about my feelings when I tell him. Should I just learn to accept this younger woman? It’s good that you are talking to your Dad about her, but you have to let go of the idea that just because you don’t like his new girlfriend, he’s going to break up with her. When you say that your Dad is newly divorced, it is hopeful that the young woman who’s not much older than you may be someone he’s only going to go out with for a little while. He may break up with her sooner versus later. Why do I say this? Newly divorced people sometimes go through a sort of “wild” phase with regards to dating after a divorce. I know this is creepy for the kids to watch, but you might be seeing your Dad working out more and changing the way he dresses. He may be trying to look and act younger. Right after their divorce, many Dads (and Moms) will date people who aren’t the type of person you’d choose for them. Hopefully, your Dad is going through his post-divorce “wild” phase and will settle down soon. When he does, […]

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Friend As Business Partner?

Friend As Business Partner?

I’ve started a new home business and it has finally started to take off to where I can’t keep up with filling orders. My good friend has been looking for work and has proposed the idea of us going in to partnership together. I’ve already laid a lot of the groundwork for the business and am not sure about taking on a partner versus hiring an employee. I’m also not sure about working with a friend. What do I need to consider here? First, list all the things you need help with. If the primary thing you need help with is to fill orders, this is not the job of a business partner; this is the job of an employee. If you would like to subspecialize within your business, then you may want to consider bringing on a partner. What I mean by this is that the business strengths of each partner compliment each other. Such as, you like managing the production and distribution side of things, and your partner likes managing the administrative and sales side of the business. These are the business partnerships that I have seen work the best. You have separate duties and responsibilities. That said, you should carefully consider how your two personalities mesh. A business partnership is akin to a marriage in the complexity and commitment it takes to keep it running smoothly. Also, a true business partnership takes both of you having some “skin in the game”, meaning, you both invest capital monies toward expenses, equipment etc. A true partner puts up the cash and puts their name on the business loans. I’ve had more than one person want to “partner” with me in business that had no intention of bringing any money to the table; and they wanted to take home a […]

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Co-worker Gossips?

Co-worker Gossips?

I have a co-worker who stirs up trouble at work because she is always gossiping about someone.  It creates a lot of hard feelings and pits people against each other.  I know the manager has talked with her about this when others have complained.  How do I keep out of the drama? I’ve had to deal with this from both a co-worker and a management position so I’m going to give my opinion on how to handle this situation from both perspectives. If you’re having this problem with a co-worker, try and remove yourself from the gossip and in-fighting by disengaging.  Don’t be a willing audience to the gossip; don’t listen to it.  Turn a deaf ear to it, ignore it, or walk away from it if you have to.  Don’t join in with the gossip; keep your mouth shut.  Refrain from entering into a gossipy conversation about your other co-workers, go somewhere else to take your break if you need to. Finally, don’t repeat the gossip or share it with others.  Let it die a natural death.  If it gets too bad, report the source of the gossip to your supervisor.  It’s their job to help make your workplace conducive to performing the work you’re hired to do. If you’re a manager who sees the poison gossip creates among the staff you supervise, keep your focus on the person who instigates problems and stirs up drama.  One thing these types like to do is pit people against each other.  Often, the accusations that are slung about are not even true, which makes your job of managing difficult if problems do need to be addressed. The best way to discover the truth is to sit all the involved employees down together and confront them as a group.  When the person […]

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Stepson with ADD Affecting Marriage?

Stepson with ADD Affecting Marriage?

My stepson has ADD, but his mother doesn’t want him on medication so I have to put up with his bullshit. It’s affecting our marriage. Any advice? By ADD I assume you mean ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  This is a problem of not being able to focus, being overactive, not being able to control behavior, or a combination of these.  If your stepson has been diagnosed by a medical professional with ADHD, these behaviors must fall outside the normal range for his age.  In other words, he’s not just an overly active child. ADHD defined, this issue is tough as there are a lot of parents who don’t believe in medicating their children (for various reasons) and your wife sounds strong in her belief. First, do you feel that you have adequate information from which to make the decision to medicate or not? I tell people that you can always find an “opinion” on the Internet that will “fit” your belief in what you should (or should not) do, but that doesn’t make the information accurate or reliable. That said, you need to first agree on what resources for information on managing ADHD you will use to base your decisions on. That can be anything from the Medical Pediatric Associations, Behavioral Therapists, the local Shaman, Nutritionist or Energy Healer. Believe me, when it comes to health, people have strong opinions on what methods to use and to this I say…do what works for you! After you gather the information, you can begin the process of discussing with your wife a plan for making your home life more peaceful. Research on effective step parenting lays out a plan that looks like this: set up specific and clearly defined house rules; together, present the rules to your children; have consequences for […]

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Drug Addicted Dad?

Drug Addicted Dad?

I love my Dad, but my husband and I have had it with his drug addiction. We were letting him live with us to help him out. He’s been in and out of recovery. We were hoping he could make a go of it this time but he relapsed again, so we kicked him out. Now I can’t bring myself to take his calls or talk to him, I’m so mad at him. I worry about him because I don’t even know where he’s living. He could be on the streets for all I know. How can I be there for him while setting limits for myself and protecting my family? Setting limits is necessary when dealing with an addicted family member, so you needed to kick him out if he was disrupting your own family life. Don’t allow yourself to go down the path of feeling guilty for kicking him out. And, don’t feel guilty for not taking his calls for the time being. I know that sounds harsh and uncaring, but I’m sure your intention to distance from him is only temporary. If you set down rules for his living with you and he violated them, then the consequences for his poor choices are his to endure. Maybe this little piece of tough love from you and your family will help him get focused again on his recovery. I’m sure you realize that relapse is a part of addiction, so expect more relapses on his journey toward recovery. In trying to be there for him, start with deciding on your personal limits. Talk with your husband and make some decisions on what you can and can’t do to help your Dad. Set some hard limits on what you absolutely will not allow, such as, drugs in your home. […]

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Wife Won’t Have Sex?

Wife Won't Have Sex?

My wife and I have been married for 13+ years. As of 4 years ago, all physical relations stopped. She says she loves me but not in that way. Help please. Your question makes me sad. If expressing your love sexually within your marriage is important to you, but your wife has shut you out, she needs to realize that this expression of love is as important to your relationship as hugs, kisses, sharing your paycheck, raising your children and making a life and home together. Ask her how she would feel if you told her you still love her, but not in the way that leaves you feeling like you need to get up and go to work each day to help support her and the family? Assuming you fulfilled your role as the responsible, faithful husband for 13+ years, would she agree to your stopping being responsible and faithful? Have you put in your time, and done enough in this relationship, that you are now at liberty to shut down and shut her out of the things that she values in your marriage? I should hope not. While one might think this is only a man’s problem, there are also husbands who have no desire for sex. I’ve heard from both women and men who’ve struggled with a spouse who shut down sexually. Statistically, about one man to every five women will not have an active libido. In the battle of the sexes, women are most likely to use sex to catch a man and to have children, only to shut down once those feats are accomplished; and men often withhold sex if they are using it as a controlling (abusive?) tactic, or they lack libido due to drug abuse, or they have depression or other health problems. […]

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Attend Which Wedding? (Joan vs. Dr. Laura)

Attend Which Wedding?  (Joan vs. Dr. Laura)

Just for fun, I’m going to pose a question I heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger answer on her radio talk show… The female caller told Dr. Laura that her question related to her two good girl friends. The two friends were not friends with each other, just the caller. The question posed to Dr. Laura was that each of the friends had daughters who were getting married, and the save-the-dates came out with the same wedding day. The caller wanted to know which wedding she should attend. Dr. Laura, in her usual brusque style, didn’t ask for more information, but quickly advised the caller to attend the wedding she first got invited to, and send a card and gift to the second. Dr. Laura treated this call, and caller, like this question was a “no-brainer”, “why even ask”, as the answer was so obvious. In the course of the conversation, the caller tried to mention how she might attend the church ceremony of the first and…(here’s where she got rudely interrupted, as is customary with Dr. Laura’s style)…and…it seemed she was about to say she could attend the reception of the second invite? But no! Dr. Laura’s advice was definitive. The caller should only attend the wedding of the first person she got the save-the-date from. End of story, hang up, on to the next caller. Which wedding should she attend? Joan’s advice… First, it would be good to have more information. At the very least, it would help to have heard the rest of the sentence (that Dr. Laura so rudely interrupted) where the caller seemed to be open to attending the church ceremony of the first and the reception of the second. In true Life Coaching form, the caller does know how she would like to handle these conflicting […]

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