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Archive for the Relationships Category

The Jekyll and Hyde of Borderline Personalities

The Jekyll and Hyde of Borderline Personalities

You’ve dealt with them, you may work with or have a relationship with one, and we’ve all had our run-ins with Borderlines. While I’m not the type of licensed professional who is qualified to diagnose someone with BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m pretty darn certain that Amber, who called my radio show, would fall in to that category. Why? While our call was super cool with the usual positive, supportive Life Coaching chain of conversation, it was the emails she sent me following that took me back! Whoa! As is typical of a Borderline, one minute they love you and you are the greatest thing since the Internet, and the next minute you are a hated infecting virus! Classic Borderline. Let me tell you some about Borderlines then tell you my story of Amber. BPD first shows up in the teens and early 20’s, most usually, as poor performance in school and at work. These individuals are the ones who start the fights and arguments, create all the drama and are generally disruptive to the peace of those who come into contact with them. While there is believed to be a genetic component to BPD, it is also believed that neglect or abuse can trigger the disorder. A statistic I found said that 1 in every 25 people have some element of BPD in them, but I found that number to be crazy high, yet, if true, I’m not off the mark in saying that you’ve dealt with a Borderline before. Before I tell you my story, I want to share some of the characteristics of Borderline Personality that led me to believe I was dealing with one: • Views of others can shift dramatically without warning • Extremes of either idealizing or undervaluing people • Quickly changing emotions

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Introverted Husband, Extroverted Wife: Opposites Attract?

Introverted Husband, Extroverted Wife: Opposites Attract?

My new husband is a professional who works with people all day, so when he’s off he never wants to hang out with our friends who are also young professionals without kids.  He says he gets enough of people at work and enjoys his quiet, alone time.  He has always called himself an introvert, but this leaves me wondering if I have a lifetime ahead of either resentfully staying home with him or going out without him? My advice to you, dear, young wife, is to resolve this in your mind early on because it will save you years of fussing and fighting with your husband.  Introverts recharge their batteries and thrive on being alone.  For them, being around people in social settings saps their energy.  For extroverts, the opposite is true; to be around people energizes them.  I’m suspecting that you and your husband are social opposites, hence your angst. Resolve in your mind that being an introvert is your husband’s nature.  Resolve in your mind that he will not change.  Resolve in your mind that the two of you can live happily with this difference.  How?  Go out with your friends alone.  Embrace your independence.  Adjust your thinking to the fact that it can be self-enriching for you to act independent of your husband.  It can be uniquely freeing. Getting married is not getting surgically attached to each other like conjoined twins!  How do I know this can work?  I could list countless couples in long term marriages that rarely attend social events together or even travel together, yet they’ve found a way to make it work and you can too!  Now, if your husband doesn’t think you should do things alone without him, and expects you to spend your life, sitting in the easy chair next to

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Drunk Driving Friend?

Drunk Driving Friend?

I met a friend for drinks at the bar and when she showed up it was apparent that she had already been drinking. We didn’t drink much, but when it was time to go home I could tell she was even tipsier. I’m guessing that if she got stopped she would have gotten charged for drunk driving. I knew she didn’t have far to drive but worried that she would make it home safely. Should I have insisted on driving her home? You seem haunted by this dilemma and rightly so. We don’t carry breathalyzers with us for just this sort of event, yet, even if we did would we approach a friend about their drinking and driving? This can be a touchy subject, especially for that frequent drinker who may have a drinking problem that they are in denial about. I think your approach boils down to personality. If you’re an assertive person, who has a strong inclination toward following the rules, you will probably be more inclined to take your drunken friends’ keys away. If you’re a more “live and let live” person you’ll just hope they get home safely. Whatever your personality, you could give some thought to approaching your friend about her drinking. Approach her, obviously when she’s sober, with care and concern and tell her how worried you felt when you let her drive home in her tipsy state. The next time this happens, I think that since you have been haunted by this dilemma, you will make the decision to drive your friend home. Intervening before a drunken friend gets behind the wheel of a car is being a good citizen in your community. We thank you for that! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ • Thinking through this scenario, what will you

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Do I have to wear my wedding ring?

Do I have to wear my wedding ring?

An annoying, frequent argument that I have with my wife is that she wants me to wear my wedding ring all the time and I don’t want to wear it at all.  I work as a high-tower rescuer so can’t wear it at work due to safety concerns. I can’t risk getting it caught in the ropes and rigging and she understands that, but still wants me to get down from the tower and put my wedding ring on before I leave the rescue site. I’m also a big sportsman and have never wanted to wear a watch or anything else.  Do I have to wear my wear my wedding ring? This question came from the coolest ever seat-mate on a flight…I’ll call him J-man… Marriage is all about negotiation and compromise and cutting to the chase the answer to your question is “yes”…and sorry if that wasn’t the answer you wanted to hear.  The bigger question, however, is how much you have to wear your wedding ring. This is where you will have to negotiate with your wife.  She seems pretty intent, no, make that very intent, on having you always wear your wedding ring and you are very intent on not wearing it at all. You are starting your negotiations from complete polar opposites on this issue and both of you will have to compromise. Understand that your wife could be wanting you to wear your wedding ring for many reasons and that they may have nothing to do with whether or not she trusts you.  Have you asked her what those reasons are?  Are you willing to really listen, hear her, and take to heart why this is so important to her?  Her reasons could be emotionally charged.  Has she ever been cheated on?  While she may trust you,

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Why do good women love bad men?

Why do good women love bad men?

This question was handed to me by a woman in the local coffee shop…There can be many reasons women fall for, and stay with, their bad boys.  Here’s what I’ve gleaned from life and my Life Coaching callers but, ladies, jump in and give us your reasons! Good women love bad men because they… Don’t think they deserve any better Don’t love themselves Have low self esteem Believe more in loving their man than loving themselves Think they can change their man Think their man will change Fear being alone Love too deeply Are very loyal Only see the good Are willing to overlook the bad Are willing to overlook the really bad See their bad boy through rose-colored glasses Are convinced they can’t do any better Have bought in to the message, probably from their bad boy, that they’re not good enough Will stay for the social stature Will stay for the money Enjoy the danger and drama Like chaos in their lives Like to think they can fix their bad boy Grew up with chaos so this is comfortable to them Whew!  That was my “off the top of my head” long list.  Ladies, feel free to add your reasons why good women love bad men!

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Unmarried Men, Getting Back to Dating, Give too Much

http://joanjerkovich.com/podcasts/10.19.13/10.19.13Podcast.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | DownloadSubscribe: iTunes | Android | RSSPodcast Segments: Unmarried Men @ 0:00 42yo Male Career vs. Relationship @ 7:11 42yo Male Looking for Love @ 23:12 Get Back to Dating @ 41:59 Inspiring Woman Accomplished This? @ 45:11 Give too Much of Yourself @ 1:00:51 Brought to you by: Hospice of Salina Martinelli’s Little Italy Girls Scouts Dignity Care Home Protandim LifeVantage Bennington State Bank George Jerkovich Photography Circles of the Heartland Stiefel Theatre Smokey Hill Museum

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Uncomfortable Visiting Home with Pets?

Uncomfortable Visiting Home with Pets?

I’m uncomfortable visiting my girlfriend in her home because of her house pets.  I hate it when her cats rub up against my slacks or paw at them because they leave cat hair and snags.  Then, when I try to be friendly to her dog, it licks my hands leaving me feeling like I need to wash them. I hate this! What can I do besides not ever visit her in her home? This is a tough one because your friend probably doesn’t have a clue that you feel this way, and she would probably feel bad if she did.  People who have house pets consider them part of the family and can be every bit as emotionally attached to their pets as they are their human family members!  Pets can bring such solace, comfort and joy to their owners it’s only natural for their owners to love and cherish their dear pets.  Add to that, a pet will never criticize or judge them and is always happy to see them and its no wonder some people find their pets more enjoyable than their human counterparts! Just as pet owners can have very clean homes with well-behaved indoor pets, the opposite can be true.  Approach this from a practical point of view.  If you do go visit your friend be prepared to wear clothes you don’t mind getting a little pet hair on, or tuck your hand sanitizer in your purse.  Don’t feel that you have to interact with her pet.  Owners are usually very attuned to guests who don’t want to interact with their pets and will accommodate you by steering them clear of you.  If these methods don’t appeal to you and you just feel too uncomfortable, plan to meet your friend at the local coffee shop, and

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Too Attractive for Female Friends?

Too Attractive for Female Friends?

I’m a single woman in my 50’s that is often mistaken for much younger.  I work as an actress, have long blonde hair and keep myself up and in shape. When I attend singles functions I have women saying mean things to me and have a difficult time making friends.  Should I give up on making women friends? There has to be a reason that women you don’t know well and have just met are being mean to you. Yes, it could be that they are envious of your attractiveness, but I would venture to say that you give off a vibe (that you are not aware of), that makes them dislike you. You’ve heard that saying, you get what you give?  How are you approaching them?  Do you greet them warmly, smile and show interest in them and their lives?  Do you show a genuine interest in them or do you prance around at these events with an air of superiority and a “look how attractive I am compared to you” attitude? If you have no awareness of how you are perceived by the women at these events, get a female friend or acquaintance to attend with you for the sole purpose of critiquing how you act and the vibe you put off.  What you don’t see or know about yourself you can’t work to fix.  My guess is that if you place more emphasis on inner beauty versus outer beauty you will be headed in the direction of making women friends. Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ How can you look to women for their inner beauty versus their outer attractiveness? What do you believe in, have passion for or hold dear in your heart? What inner beauty do you hold within?

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Mistresses, Cheaters, Non-Judgemental Friends

http://joanjerkovich.com/podcasts/10.5.13/10.5.13Podcast.mp3Podcast: Play in new window | DownloadSubscribe: iTunes | Android | RSSPodcast Segments: Mistress Intrudes on Family Vacations The Mistress Part 1, @ 7:50 The Mistress Part 2, @ 25:45 Cheaters and Cell Phones @ 43:42 Supportive Friend @ 44:49 Stop Judging Friends @ 60:55 Brought to you by: Hospice of Salina Martinelli’s Little Italy Girls Scouts Dignity Care Home Protandim LifeVantage Bennington State Bank George Jerkovich Photography Circles of the Heartland Stiefel Theatre Smokey Hill Museum

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Annoying Co-Worker?

Annoying Co-Worker?

I work in an office with a co-worker who has the bad habit of chewing gum loudly and popping it.  She works in the cubicle next to mine and does this constantly.  It has become so annoying I need to make it stop.  What should I do? You can choose to either address this yourself or turn it over to your manager who gets paid the big bucks to deal with these petty issues, such as: the stinky co-worker; the co-worker who’s always trying to sell you their kids’ fundraiser crap; or the co-worker who joins the office pool for take-out Starbucks, only to stiff you on the bill…well, maybe that one you should handle yourself! If you choose to address a co-worker nuisance yourself, gauge what you think will be the best way to do that.  From what you know about this co-worker, would it be better to address them directly or indirectly.  The direct approach is to simply tell them that their gum popping is distracting you from your work.  Ask them to stop. Be nice and give them your best fake smile.  Or, use one of the following indirect approaches such as leaving a note on their desk or sending them an email.  Or, tell their immediate supervisor to address this issue for you.  The beauty in having their supervisor address this is that they can leave your name out of it.  I guarantee you that if this bad habit is annoying to you, it is also annoying to your other cubicle mates.  Chomp, chomp, pop, pop, take this bull by the horns and make it stop! Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~ Where will you find the resolve to address this issue? What might cause you to put up with this annoying habit one more

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